


The Blossoms of my Sin

by OrdinaryRealities



Series: O, Tiger's Heart Wrapped in a Woman's Hide [5]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Additional Warnings in Notes, Canon-typical mental health, Happy Ending, M/M, Misunderstandings, Not like that - it's rated teen you monster, Previous JJBella, So much angst, these boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 04:08:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17257298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrdinaryRealities/pseuds/OrdinaryRealities
Summary: These boys have no idea how to hold a conversation. Luckily they judge themselves more harshly than they judge each other.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Three things. JJ gets panic attacks a couple of times. I tried to just suggest most of it in the dialogue, but if reading him having a panic attack is going to set you off, skip it/read with caution/use your own best practices here. 
> 
> Otabek misreads a situation and thinks that he assaulted JJ. This took place before the beginning of this story (before canon) and he is mistaken. But if that bothers you, read with caution/skip it. (If I fucked that up horribly (the way I deal with the idea of assault) in any way, let me know. I just think of these two in particular as being really eager to read bad things into themselves.)
> 
> Also, if you're just reading this story and not the whole series, Yuri P. is trans and JJ only realized this year at the GPF. He has a lot of calling Yuri a lady to make up for. (If you are trans, and I am dealing with this badly, I am not trans, and I apologize, and also please tell me.) I figure that Yuri is more eager to forgive liberties against himself than against his friends and he just wants to kind of brush things over.
> 
> (This picks up directly after the last line of the previous story in the series which, if you didn't read, is Otabek telling Yuri to go tease JJ instead of teasing Otabek about his crush on JJ.)
> 
> Oh! and a fourth (fifth?) thing. I try to keep to the homophobia-free dictates of the canon. In this case that turned into some slight BDSM-ish overtones, but in my head it started out as JJ's Catholic guilt and ingrained homophobia, and if you prefer that version (or even if you don't) I'm not really sure I expunged it.

JJ was seventeen the first time he kissed Otabek. Seventeen, religious, and entirely unprepared for the strength of his reactions. And maybe it would have been different, if this had been the only option for him. It might have been less complicated if he couldn’t look at Isabella – her brilliance, her beauty, her confidence and her care – and feel just as attracted as he was to Otabek’s stubbornness, his strength and calm and cool. But he could, and so somewhere between his first Seniors Grand Prix medal and Otabek’s bronze at World’s that same year the two of them slid apart under the weight of things. Slid, in Otabek’s case, all the way to Almaty and a radio silence and, in JJ’s, into a whirlwind romance with the head of his fanclub. Isabella was, in all ways, too smart and kind for him. 

It took a year and a half for JJ to stop flinching at the mess he’d made of their friendship every time he saw Otabek. After that, he was just grateful that there was something to be salvaged from the wreckage. When a 20-year-old Yuri Plisetsky, gold medal around his neck, stalked over at the GPF banquet and began teasing JJ about Otabek, JJ was resigned. It only seemed fair, after all. More than; deep in his Catholic soul, it felt like penance for the way he’d treated both Otabek and Yuri. Kenjirou-kun was across the room, entertaining the silver and bronze medalists, while Yuri nursed the glass in his hand like a rare vintage. (JJ suspected that it was water and not vodka at all, but not smelling it on the other man’s breath was hardly proof.)

“Otabek sure is easy to love, huh? Listen JJ, I have to warn you – I’m sure you understand – Otabek has good friends, you know? If you don’t treat him right, well.” His smile showed too many teeth. “We all care about Otabek, so it won’t be an issue, right?”

JJ just nodded, unsure how to go about explaining to the other man that he was six years too late. Yuri nodded back and leaned his shoulders on the wall next to JJ. Katsuki, across the room, was clearly not drinking water, as he suddenly shouted in Japanese, too fast for JJ’s rudimentary knowledge, and definitely too loud for the other man when he was sober. Yuri, apparently, understood it. He snorted and sipped his drink. 

“Better go rescue your boyfriend. Katsudon’s threatening to drag him into a dance-off, and I don’t think that’s Otabek’s thing.”

He drained his glass and stalked towards his fellow competitors, loosening his tie. 

 

JJ thought that that would be the end of it, but Yuri’s teasing continued via text message over the following weeks. JJ had never gotten so many texts from the younger man. When the onslaught showed no signs of slowing, JJ told himself that it was all he deserved for his gender policing and worried about whether he was being too obvious. Could Otabek, too, tell that JJ had more buried than dealt with his old feelings and that, like most buried seeds, they had only grown? But every time he tried to stop texting for more than the length of practice Otabek worried, so he told himself that Yuri was preternaturally observant anyway and kept on ignoring the guilt curled up and sleeping in his gut. 

(Some days, JJ wondered if there was any friendly competitor he’d never had to feel guilty about. Even Kenjirou, JJ’s first and best friend, who JJ had met at his very first international competition as a junior, had plenty of reason should he ever decide to upgrade. The first time they had met, charmed by his peppy androgynous competitor, JJ had reduced the other boy to tears pulling his metaphorical pigtails. The fact that he had literally tripped over his own skates in his rush to apologize had charmed Kenjirou into forgiving him, but JJ couldn’t help but see it as part of the larger pattern.)

 

It was at Four Continents that JJ’s anxiety finally latched on to this new diversion. Yuri wasn’t there, but he kept texting. ‘You look like hell. Go back to sleep,’ although JJ hadn’t posted any selfies and hadn’t noticed any paparazzi at breakfast, and ‘Of fucking course you’d like Creed,’ when not even Kenjirou-kun had been part of that conversation. It came to a head when JJ’s phone buzzed as he was waiting in the lobby for Otabek for a mid-competition dinner. Otabek hadn’t even appeared but Yuri’s text had. ‘Enjoy your date.’ 

JJ jabbed a finger at the offending name until his phone was ringing and he held it to his ear.

“This wasn’t exactly what I meant.” JJ could hear the amusement in the other man’s voice.

“Alright, I give. I can dish it out, but I can’t take it.”

“I’m honored, to finally get a response. But you could have just texted.”

“Are you and Otabek in this together?” JJ hated how young his voice got.

“Wait, what?” Yuri sounded angry. 

“Just. Just tell me if Otabek is part of this too.” JJ stepped into a back hallway in case he lost control of his face. “I don’t see how else…”

“What the fuck, JJ?” Maybe Yuri sounded perplexed.

“It’s not that you both don’t deserve to get back at me however you want.” JJ wiped his knuckles across the far corner of his eye. “I just need to know.”

“Are you shitting me.” Yuri’s tone was conversational. “JJ, I’m not trying to get back at you. And I’m still not sure what ‘this’ is that we’re supposed to be in together.”

“Nevermind.”

“Bullshit. And you should know as well as I do that’s not Otabek’s style – although I would like to know why you think that would be an appropriate thing for him to do,”

“No, I know, I just can’t think what else,”

“JJ, I need you to breathe.”

JJ gulped a few breaths obediently, chest heaving as he tried to fight past the constriction.

“Good. Should I text Otabek to find you, or,”

“No.” JJ took another breath. “No, I’m OK, don’t worry Otabek.”

“Alright. You’re OK if I go now?”

“Yes.”

“I’m going to let you go to dinner, but JJ?” Yuri’s voice was like steel. “You’re going to call me after your date,” JJ’s breath caught again, “and we’re going to talk until I know what I need to stop doing.” 

JJ hoped that the noise he made sounded affirmative, but hung up the call before Yuri could tell him otherwise. He stood a moment, sucking in air, and then walked back out to the lobby. There were a few JJ girls lingering and he threw up his hands in what he’d overheard Yuri call his gang sign and slapped a smirk on over his face. His fans cooed and Otabek snorted. 

“Are we going to get food or not?”


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ froze, but Yuri couldn’t have come all the way from St. Petersburg in the three hours since they’d talked. He walked himself over to open the door. Apparently he’d underestimated the Russian man. Otabek was on the other side, phone to his ear, looking grave. He looked at JJ.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I think I covered the basics in the beginning notes for last chapter (Quick recap: I'm cis, Yuri's trans, if I've done something ignorant I'd like to know so I can fix it; Otabek thinks he assaulted JJ a long time ago (that's why he always asks a question with yes and no options, because he's trying for explicit consent) but JJ doesn't see it that way; JJ continued to have anxiety issues.) I'd like to take this moment to talk about JJ and Minami Kenjirou. 
> 
> I stole the idea of their friendship from another fic I read, (This entire series was so heavily influenced by "Timezones and Tricky Translations" and "Benefits and Convenience" by Ilien, I can't even say) but I justify it in my head by the fact that JJ calls Yuri Plisetsky "Yuri-chan" in canon... At Rostelecom maybe? And since neither one of them is Japanese it seems like an odd way to tease him unless JJ has a friend who is Japanese. This friend is clearly not Yuuri.

It wasn’t exactly that JJ was procrastinating. If he took a shower and got ready for bed before calling Yuri, he was really just trying to loosen the death grip of anxiety on his throat. He dawdled through brushing his teeth and glanced at the time. 8:00 was early to put off the call until morning. He’d just pulled out his phone to google time zones and check if maybe it was late enough where Yuri was to justify putting off the call when there was a knock at his door. 

JJ froze, but Yuri couldn’t have come all the way from St. Petersburg in the three hours since they’d talked. He walked himself over to open the door. Apparently he’d underestimated the Russian man. Otabek was on the other side, phone to his ear, looking grave. He looked at JJ.

“I can’t leave you two alone for five minutes, can I?” Yuri made angry noises into the other end of the phone, loud enough for JJ to hear. That helped him smile as he stepped back to let Otabek in, reaching for the phone. Otabek turned to put himself in JJ’s way, telling Yuri something firm in Russian before putting the phone on speaker. Yuri was still muttering in the same language. 

Otabek switched to English. “Well, I’d agree, but the only reason I’m here is because you called me.”

Yuri followed quickly. “I already put Kenjirou-kun in the middle of one awkward moment in the middle of a competition. Besides, you’re there because you sicced me on JJ without telling me about whatever history the two of you had.”

JJ had never seen Otabek turn quite that shade of red.

“Because it was none of your business! I… It wasn’t.” Otabek scowled like he could beat the English language into submission and offered Yuri something mumbled in Russian.

“You were? Well that’s nice, but maybe you should have explained as much to JJ. It doesn’t seem like he was given that piece of information.” Yuri’s causticity seemed like it was all aimed at Otabek. JJ felt his panicked haze lift a little. He backed up to the bed and sat. 

“Hello Yuri.”

“JJ. Otabek seems to think that maybe you’re upset because you’re straight?” Yuri doubtless meant to sound non-judgmental, but the tone it came out in sounded like he was done with both of them.

JJ was equally nonplussed. “What? Otabek, you, of all people know I’m not straight.”

Otabek’s doubletake would have been funny if JJ weren’t so insulted.

JJ gestured at the phone. “Your best friend is bi.”

“Yes, but he’s. That is, oh.” Otabek concluded.

“Yes, oh.” Yuri mocked. “Definitely the safest way to end that sentence, anyway.” A thump suggested his cat jumping on or off of him. “JJ, I’m not going to tease you if you won’t tell me when it’s not fun for you.”

“What a threat.” Otabek rolled his eyes. “JJ’s shaking in his socks over here.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s still boots.” Yuri sounded like he couldn’t decide whether it was worth getting off track to look up the idiom.

“No,” JJ’s stomach dropped. “I’ll tell you when to stop. And try to listen better when you do the same.”

A creak through the phone, and then a long silence. Yuri broke first. “So then. Are you going to tell me what I was doing?” His mocking was gentle, like he could tell even through the phone how little teasing JJ could take right now.

JJ’s jaw felt cemented shut.

Otabek said something apologetic in Russian. Yuri’s response was unyielding. They both went quiet and Otabek looked at JJ “Are you OK?” He was talking in French now. “I will tell Yuri to fuck off if you want me to.”

JJ offered him a pale smile. “It’s fine. It’s just…” He concentrated on the mechanics of his breathing to avoid facing what he was about to do. “It’s just a lot, when I fucked up so bad with you, and now that we’ve figured out how to be friends again anyway…” He trailed off miserably, picking at the duvet under his hand and trying to stop his face from crumpling.

Otabek’s phone sharpened Yuri’s hiss. “Otabek, what exactly is going on?”

“What? JJ… I don’t.” 

JJ shifted, making the hotel bed squeak ominously, and Otabek’s phone beeped with a facetime request. Otabek made eye contact with it for a long moment before hitting the accept.

“Hand the phone over to JJ and fuck off out of the room, Otabek.” Yuri’s tone must have been inherited from the ice queen ballet teacher. Otabek swallowed, offered the phone towards JJ, dropped it on the bed, and skittered away.

JJ picked it up and breathed.

“JJ?” Yuri cleared his throat and the rest of his sentence came out stronger. “I’ve really fucked this up, haven’t I?”

JJ’s voice had fucked off out of the room too. Maybe Otabek could find it for him while he was gone. He shook his head. 

“Do you think,” Yuri shoved his hair back impatiently, although it was short enough to be out of his eyes anyway. “I’m sorry to keep harping on this, but whatever it was I’ve been doing, I can’t stop if I don’t know what it is.” A pause for JJ to respond. “I can try to guess, but since you weren’t talking in ballet terms my French is kind of useless.” More silence. “What if I told you what I thought I was doing? Could you tell me if I was right or not?” 

JJ forced a weak chuckle. “You thought you were teasing me about my crush on Otabek.”

Yuri frowned. “I thought I was teasing you about your relationship with Otabek.” A pause, and then grimly, “Once you talk things out with him, let me know. If he was.” Yuri’s mouth did something complicated that JJ couldn’t parse. “I’m not interested in being friends with someone who’d use me to get back at someone else. I don’t want to think he would, but.” Yuri looked down, hand moving. JJ supposed he was stroking the cat. “If I avoid saying anything about him for now, would that make you more comfortable? I could just tease you about your shitty skating.” JJ nodded. “I could.” Yuri stopped, looking awkward. “I can text Kenjirou and ask him to go get Ota- to give his phone back.”

JJ let himself laugh. “Yuri, Otabek’s in my bathroom.” He lifted the phone and pointed it at the closed door. He hesitated and then, in a smaller voice added, “You really didn’t know?”

“I really didn’t.” Yuri’s tone turned brisk. “Bit of a theme with us, but what can you do?”

“I really didn’t,”

“JJ, I know. I’m just saying, I still don’t know what’s going on here. It’s OK. We’re trying our best.”

JJ took a deep breath. “Why would you think that we were dating?”

Yuri’s breath was audible in a ‘Lord give me patience’ sort of way. “Well, Otabek kept giving me updates on you. Even at Rostelecom, where I was with you and he wasn’t, it became obvious pretty quickly that he knew more about you than I did. Then you came to cheer him on in the final like fucking Katsudon and Viktor or something, you know? And I hardly know what he’s been up to since, but I know what you had for breakfast and when you had that cold.” He wrinkled his nose. “Disgusting, really.”

JJ smiled without meaning to. He must be coming out the other side of the panic, he decided, and offered Yuri some words. “There’s a competition going, you know, to see which couple can annoy you the most. Isabella and I barely lost to Viktor and Yuuri three years running.”

Yuri scoffed. “Yeah, well. And they’re at my door, so. We good?” And at JJ’s nod, “Good luck tomorrow.” JJ couldn’t remember Yuri wishing him luck before in his life.

He breathed, squared his shoulders, and turned to the bathroom door. “Otabek?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I argue that Yuri at 20 is responsible enough to call and force these two idiots to talk once he realizes that it wasn't just light teasing he was doing. It may have also been a sort of payback for all those years JJ teased him about being a girl without realizing exactly how shitty he was being. Yuri would feel like he couldn't actually be an asshole to JJ - JJ didn't know - but some innocent teasing about a relationship he thinks is already happening seems fair to him. So when he realizes that it's really bothering JJ he feels responsible because this was his way of taking out some of that aggression without hurting JJ and now he's hurt JJ. 
> 
> (It's such a fandom trope that Yuri is the one who notices and helps people (And practically canon - I'm looking at you, bag of Pirozhki after Rostelecom) that I'm not sure why I feel the need to justify it so hard. But I do, so you'll just have to listen. Sorry, not sorry.)


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The door creaked open and Otabek peeked around it. “Is it OK if I come out?”
> 
> “Yuri’s gone.” JJ held up Otabek’s phone to illustrate the point. 
> 
> Otabek didn’t move.
> 
> “Yes, please. Come out.” JJ patted the bed the way he used to when Isabella’s Doberman was feeling shy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the country music. I don't know what possessed me, except that it was on somewhere and my brain went "Otabek!" and then I couldn't not.
> 
> (Also, I think he's lying when he blames it on Leo. JJ would totally listen to crappy country music. Leo's got taste, right? I mean, I listened to country music for years, some of it's alright. This song is not.)

The door creaked open and Otabek peeked around it. “Is it OK if I come out?”

“Yuri’s gone.” JJ held up Otabek’s phone to illustrate the point. 

Otabek didn’t move.

“Yes, please. Come out.” JJ patted the bed the way he used to when Isabella’s Doberman was feeling shy. 

Otabek stepped around the door, walking like his joints had all gone stiff. “JJ, I.” He shook his head. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

JJ felt his own shoulders slump, his grin smearing down his face. He shrugged before finding his voice. “Why did you sic Yuri on me?”

Otabek winced. “I shouldn’t have.” His tongue touched his upper lip. “But I thought that you were straight and I figured you’d tell him to go to hell and that would be the end of it and in the meantime I wouldn’t have to.” He paused and swallowed visibly. “Well.”

JJ stared at his face like he could parse out what his friend was dancing around if he just understood that facial expression. He looked embarrassed.

“Have I ruined our friendship or not?” JJ watched Otabek straighten his fingers out of a fist, one joint at a time.

JJ cleared his throat. “You haven’t ruined our friendship.”

Otabek jerked a nod. “Good. That’s… Good.” He reached for his phone without looking at JJ. His shoulders were squared, like a tin soldier. Steadfast, that was Otabek. JJ caught Otabek’s hand as it closed around his phone, startling his eyes up from the floor. Sitting on the bed like this, JJ had to tilt his head back to avoid looking Otabek in the belly button. Somehow, through the years and competitions, they hadn’t ended up in this particular configuration since Canada. 

JJ swallowed. “Otabek, wait. Please.” Otabek dropped his other hand over JJ’s. JJ’s throat seized up. “Otabek…”

“Breathe.” Otabek’s voice sounded steadier. 

“Right. OK.” Otabek gave JJ a look and he stopped, swallowed, and breathed. “Look,” another breath. “Is friendship all you want from this?” Otabek’s face froze. “OK. OK, yeah, that’s fine, that’s… I just thought. Yuri said, and so I thought, I hoped maybe he was right and I was wrong, but it’s fine. Friendship is enough, really. More than I deserve, after I fucked everything…” JJ’s throat closed again in his misery and he allowed himself to trail away, already scolding himself. Of course Otabek didn’t want to try again, and now he’d gone and made things uncomfortable…

But Otabek lifted his gaze again. “We might need to revisit the first part of that in a minute.” Breath. He was looking JJ in the eye. “But first I want to know exactly what you think you fucked up. That’s the second time you’ve said that tonight.”

JJ blinked. He suspected that the look on his face was a close cousin to the one Yuri wore most of the time, the one that demanded to know what the rest of the world was thinking anyway. “Canada? I started things and then I couldn’t – I didn’t,” he corrected himself, “I wasn’t…” 

Otabek grabbed his loose hand and pressed it, just enough to keep JJ there with him. “No. What? JJ, I… I pushed you. I pushed, and you…” Otabek’s eyes dropped. “I don’t understand how you’re still talking to me.” His grip on JJ’s hand tightened, and then he dropped JJ’s hand like he’d been burned, freezing in place. 

JJ kept his eyes fixed on the other man’s face as he reached out and took the hand, rubbing his thumb back and forth along the ridges of Otabek’s knuckles. “We’re a pair of hopeless fools, you know that?” His voice was reverent. 

“Because I assaulted you and you forgave it?” Otabek was bitter. 

“You never,” JJ paused to consider, “I never saw it that way. I guess that you told me instead of asking, but Otabek,” he waited for the other man to look at him, “That. I liked it.” He swallowed against the memory. “I liked it a lot.”

“You…” JJ nodded. “But you couldn’t even look at me the next day. You could barely even stand to be in the same room.”

JJ tightened his grip on Otabek’s hand preemptively and squared his shoulders. “I liked it. I liked the… the.” He pressed his lips together, frustrated with his inability to make the words come out of his mouth even now, and changed tack. “I liked it so much that it made me question who I was – who I thought I was – and… It had nothing to do with you.” His throat tightened as he got back to his original point from the beginning of the evening. “It was all my reaction to me, not you.”

Otabek drooped and mumbled at the faded red carpet so that JJ had to lean in to hear. “You’re sure? You aren’t just… Pacifying me?”

JJ began moving his thumb again and gave a little tug. Otabek, caught by surprise, stumbled forward a step so that JJ would hardly have to lean forward… “Sit.” 

Otabek stood studying JJ’s face for a long moment, and then sat.

JJ turned, hooking one leg up on the bed between them, and slipped his phone out of the other pocket, thumbing it off silent. “Call me.” 

“What?”

“You don’t believe me. So call me.” He set his phone on the bed between them and swallowed.

Otabek looked at him and pulled his phone slowly out of his own pocket. 

After a moment, JJ’s phone buzzed and then began to sing. “Are you gonna kiss me or not? Are we gonna do this or not?”

Otabek ended the call and looked at JJ, face blank. “What do you call that music?”

JJ grinned. “Punishment for what we did to the Native Americans.” He shoved his hair back with his free hand, annoyed at himself. “That’s not the point. That song…”

“It’s a song about consent.” Otabek’s voice was soft. “I did get that much.”

“It’s a song that does what you do all the time. Leo sent me that song, and said, ‘Who does this sound like?’ or something.” JJ glanced at Otabek from under his lashes to gauge his chances. “So?”

“What?” Otabek looked like he was still processing.

“Are you gonna kiss me or what? Because we both have to go to bed soon so that we can get up and make the podium tomorrow, so we can both go and kick Yuri’s ass at World’s for starting this without waiting for the end of the competition first…”

Otabek snorted and made eye contact with JJ. He let his eyes dip for a second, and then stood. “Well, I don’t want to distract you until after we’ve won tomorrow. Maybe I’ll kiss you after the banquet, if you’ve been good.” He turned, smirking like he had during Yuri’s pair exhibition skate, and started for the door. “Sweet dreams.” JJ watched the door swing shut behind him and swallowed hard. 

He probably owed Yuri a fruit basket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for coming along for the ride! Hopefully the thing I'm trying to write about Isabella will come together eventually but if it doesn't, she ends up happy, getting several advanced degrees (and that headcanon comes from the Exhibitions series by WithBroomBefore) and maybe dating Sara Crispino? I haven't decided yet. 
> 
> The next story will be Lilia's, and it will probably start going up later this week.


End file.
